“We do not bother to teach the great virtues, though we love them and want our children to have them; but we nourish the hope that they will spontaneously appear in their consciousness some day in the future, we think of them as being part of our instinctive nature, while the others, the little virtues, seem to be the result of reflection and calculation and so we think they absolutely must be taught.”
NATALIA GINZBURG, THE LITTLE VIRTUES
Over the summer, my husband and I did a parenting check-in. We listed some topics that we wanted to reflect on (discipline, meal time, spiritual formation), then we went to separate rooms and tried to tease out the big and little virtues involved within each topic. Afterward, we used our notes to form a positive vision for our parenting. It was really helpful, and I’d like to do it again in lieu of New Year’s resolutions.
Here’s an example of one of the topics: Meal Time.
Meal Time
Little Virtues
Big Virtues
- Manners
- Try New Foods
- Nutrition
- Limit Sweets
- Enjoy Food
- Enjoy Conversation
- Physical & Emotional Nourishment
The theme that emerged in the little virtue column was management. Managing behavior and managing food intake. The theme of the big virtue column was nourishment. Meal time as a source of physical, social, and emotional nourishment.
This exercise forced us to figure out our main hope for meal time: that it be nourishing for every one in every way. This was helpful, because an overemphasis on manners, nutrition or limitations (though they’re all important) could easily degrade our ultimate goal of nourishing, enjoyable meals. From there, we made a list of positive things we could do to encourage the nourishing, enjoyable meals we hope for.
Did it work? It worked in that we have an actual vision for meal time. We know what we want, so we choose our management strategies accordingly. Identifying the big virtue of nourishment makes it easier to make ad hoc decisions about meal time management (a little virtue).
I like this tool for goal setting, and it has me thinking about New Year’s resolutions. Sometimes New Year’s resolutions are just expressions of self-contempt or self-criticism. Saying “I want to lose weight” isn’t a positive vision so much as a way of saying “I weigh too much.” There’s a little virtue in that.
So here’s my plan for New Year’s Resolutions: maybe start with the knee jerk self criticisms, but then map them out using the big/little virtue template. Once I’ve identified all the little virtues, I can decide what big virtues they point to. Then, I’ll use the big virtues to guide my vision for the next year.
What do you think about using this template for goal setting or New Year’s Resolutions? Have you come up with any big/little virtue combos?
This post is part of a short series on Natalia Ginzburg’s The Little Virtues. You can read the first post here.
